I am long past what has been.
I am looking to the near future with a weary, but excited mind, body and soul. I have presented myself with two options. Both are diffucult and rewarding endeavors. Both people are genuine and good. One feels more right than the other though. One feels like destiny. The other feels like right now.
I feel like I made the choice hours before we talked about anything. Now it’s up to me to carry out my decision and break a silent understanding with the other. We felt great, but not completely right.
Or maybe I am rushing into what I don’t need right now.
In spite of the guilt and uncertainty I feel, I also feel proud that I was able to present myself whole-heartedly. I was completely honest. Making that choice was easy. Now on to the hard.
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I left the house and told my mom I was going to see Jeramy, but I didn’t. No one knew.
I went over to his apartment to meet up. He has a couple of roommates. Best friend and another good friend. They are cool people. We all lounged about and talked for a couple hours it seemed. I felt pretty comfortable around everyone.
Hunger set in so we decided to grab some food. Where? No clue. Drove around for a while and decided on Chuy’s over on Wilson. Hadn’t been in a long time so I was a little pumped about it.
There were lots of people there of course because it was a Friday at about 5:30p. I got tacos. He got taco salad. I payed. We started talking about ex’s and the past as we shared experiences and laughs of the past few years of disconnection. We tried to contemplate ‘what if’s and why things are the way they are now. No regrets and all learning in order to get us to where and who we are today as individuals.
For some reason he felt as though he didn’t have much of a say in what we would do because he didn’t have any money. That shouldn’t have been, but I guess it was ok. I just wanted to be out somewhere, anywhere with him.
I suggested the dollar theater which, upon arrival, I found out was now the two dollar theater! Kinda blew my mind. We decided on watching Year One with Jack Black and Dominic Cena. It didn’t start for another half an hour at least so we strolled over to the bookstore talking the whole time.
We got into the theater just before the trailers rolled. It was packed! We were forced to sit in the very front row slouched in our chairs looking straight up at the IMAX-like screen. The movie was funnier than we had expected! A few minutes in, he rested his hand on my leg and, like a gentleman, asked if it was ok. I said yes like it was nothing but inside was like an excited school girl. He then brushed his hand over mine and I responded by opening it for him to hold. We didn’t let go for the whole movie.
It was about 9p when the movie got out and I was Not ready for the night to be over. So we drove all over Bakersfield: Rosedale, White Lane, 178, Mesa Marin, Commanche through the moonlit hills, Hart Park in beautiful, pitch black night, Oildale and back downtown. We talked and talked the whole time with the occasional burst into whatever song was playing. It was getting late and we were both getting very tired so we headed back to his place to drop him off.
We said our goodnights and then he leaned over, held my face in his hand and kissed me slowly and sweetly. I was sitting in the car but my knees still weakened. I sat back in my seat overwhelmed by the entire night. Then he kissed me again, said goodnight and walked away for home.
Now he says he owes me a proper outing. I can’t wait.
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